I haven't blogged for a long time. I've been going through an emotional roller coaster for the past couple of weeks and to be quite honest, I'm not ready to share it to a lot of people.
For as long as I can remember, ever since I arrived to the US, I've been going through a lot of turmoil inside. A lot that has to do with losing myself.
What do I mean about that? Well, back then, I knew where I was going and I knew how to get there, but now, I seriously don't know what I want to achieve in life. It's been all about my family, my child and what's good for all of us, I kinda lost myself in there. I know it sounds like I'm thinking too much about myself, but only the people who really know me know how much of myself I've given away.
I am not really the confident, self-assured person I appear to be. If truth be told, I am one of the most insecure people you'll ever know. The thing with me is, I don't like people seeing the weaknesses in me, pointing it out all the time. I already know all too well what I don't have and what I need to do about it. The last thing I want is for people to pity me or even look down on me. I am my worse critic, no one can criticize me more than I criticize myself.
Only the Lord knows my thoughts, my internal struggles, the chaos inside of me. I pray daily that he grants me peace amidst this troubling stage in my life. I pray that he shows me the direction he wants me to travel.
Parenting has been hard for me, especially now that my child is older. Many times I feel inadequate as a mother because I feel that I am trying to "grow-up" myself. I forced myself to mature earlier because of the choices I made in my life. I had to own the choices and make it work for the sake of my child and my marriage. There is a child in me that wants to relax and enjoy life without many cares, which unfortunately is not my reality.
From my experience and I believe all of us, if we're really honest with ourselves, we don't have a handle on everything that goes on with our life. We still wait daily, pray daily asking the Lord to make it clear to us what he wants us to do. Some have found it. Surely there are more of us still waiting, longing to find that place where we belong.
I ask the Lord all the time to help me find the peace and the fulfillment I long for.
Don't get me wrong. I am not hopeless. I am just in that place where I am my weakest. I am honestly weak and useless without the Lord making his plans for me my reality. I know he's doing something now, but I am also well aware that he is showing me how dependent I am on him. I have never been more humbled and more helpless in my entire life than now. I know that's the place he wants me to be in. Only then will he be able to manifest his power and glory.
It's just very painful being in the middle of it. A real pain to be in the process of being changed...radically.
One thing is for sure, after this is all over, I will never be the same again.
5 comments:
Our seal of guarantee, Holy Spirit (Pneuma).
philippians 1:6
Wow!!! i am so dumbfounded...reading your blog. I went through depression the first 6 months after moving to the United States. Life in Bacolod is way more comfortable than it is here in Dallas. But i made a choice for my family and i am living that choice and it did not happen by chance it was part of God's perfect will, sometimes it helps to stop asking Why? but instead ask the question What is the purpose to all these. I leave you with a passage written by Paul to Corinthian Church in "Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said to me MY GRACE IS SUFFICIENT FOR YOU FOR MY POWER IS MADE PERFECT IN WEAKNESS. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak then I am strong."
2Corinthians 12:8-10
Chill out...Hang on in there...Hang loose...He's got your back!!!
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