NEVER THE SAME AGAIN

I haven't blogged for a long time. I've been going through an emotional roller coaster for the past couple of weeks and to be quite honest, I'm not ready to share it to a lot of people.

For as long as I can remember, ever since I arrived to the US, I've been going through a lot of turmoil inside. A lot that has to do with losing myself.

What do I mean about that? Well, back then, I knew where I was going and I knew how to get there, but now, I seriously don't know what I want to achieve in life. It's been all about my family, my child and what's good for all of us, I kinda lost myself in there. I know it sounds like I'm thinking too much about myself, but only the people who really know me know how much of myself I've given away.

I am not really the confident, self-assured person I appear to be. If truth be told, I am one of the most insecure people you'll ever know. The thing with me is, I don't like people seeing the weaknesses in me, pointing it out all the time. I already know all too well what I don't have and what I need to do about it. The last thing I want is for people to pity me or even look down on me. I am my worse critic, no one can criticize me more than I criticize myself.

Only the Lord knows my thoughts, my internal struggles, the chaos inside of me. I pray daily that he grants me peace amidst this troubling stage in my life. I pray that he shows me the direction he wants me to travel.

Parenting has been hard for me, especially now that my child is older. Many times I feel inadequate as a mother because I feel that I am trying to "grow-up" myself. I forced myself to mature earlier because of the choices I made in my life. I had to own the choices and make it work for the sake of my child and my marriage. There is a child in me that wants to relax and enjoy life without many cares, which unfortunately is not my reality.

From my experience and I believe all of us, if we're really honest with ourselves, we don't have a handle on everything that goes on with our life. We still wait daily, pray daily asking the Lord to make it clear to us what he wants us to do. Some have found it. Surely there are more of us still waiting, longing to find that place where we belong.

I ask the Lord all the time to help me find the peace and the fulfillment I long for.

Don't get me wrong. I am not hopeless. I am just in that place where I am my weakest. I am honestly weak and useless without the Lord making his plans for me my reality. I know he's doing something now, but I am also well aware that he is showing me how dependent I am on him. I have never been more humbled and more helpless in my entire life than now. I know that's the place he wants me to be in. Only then will he be able to manifest his power and glory.

It's just very painful being in the middle of it. A real pain to be in the process of being changed...radically.

One thing is for sure, after this is all over, I will never be the same again.

SACRIFICIAL LOVE

I was a young mother, I was 20 when I married, had Mika at 21.

The circumstances under which I got married was quite complicated. But one thing is for sure, I was not ready when I took on the commitment I made.

It has been a struggle from the first day I came to America. My husband was a 23-yr-old new college graduate who was also overwhelmed with the responsibility of becoming a husband and father. We were young, scared and intimidated.

Having Mika has been the greatest joy of my life. Truly, I got married so I could have a child ( I had serious reproductive issues). It was possible for me not to get pregnant, so we believe she was a miracle child.

At the same time though, being young when I took on the responsibilities, I felt and still feel like I missed out on a lot of things.

I gave up a lot of possibilities, I gave up my youth so I could love and nurture a child.

There are times when I feel like I am not being a good mom. Sometimes, I get irritable when I'm tired and I can't rest. I get mad when I don't have private time. I become unhappy when I have to forgo and let go of many things for the sake of my child. I feel deeply insecure when I see the ravages of motherhood on my body.

But any good, loving mother would give up even their life for their children.

I am not an extremely maternal, martyr kind of mom who smothers her child. I see myself more as a disciplinarian, no-nonsense mom, but I shower her with so much affection and praise. I ensure that all her needs are met but I am not a spoiler. I guess that's due to being raised by a single mom.

I sacrificed everything, all the dreams and hopes of my youth to have and to love my child. I believe it's all worth it.

One thing is for sure, my sacrifices will never compare to the sacrifice of the Lord for me. When I think of his love it puts everything into perspective. And it reminds me draw my strength from him.

ALL THE STRENGTH WE NEED

Isaiah 40:28-31

"Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord will
renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles,
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."

All the comfort we need.

THROUGH HIS EYES

I watched "The Hiding Place" on the Billy Graham website. It's a story about the personal sacrifices a family made in order to hide Jews from the Nazis during the holocaust.

It's the story about the Ten Booms from the eyes of one of the daughters, Corrie.

It is a long story, but to me it was all about sacrificial love, love for people you don't have to love. What do I mean about that? They loved people who were not related to them in any way. To whom they did not owe anything. To whom they were not obligated to love. But they loved to the point of being sent to horrid camps and dying of contracted diseases. As for Corrie, to the point of losing all the people she loved. All of this of course, motivated by love for Christ. It's impossible to love with such depth without Christ.

Not all of us are called to go through such extremes. But I sense that especially here in North America, Christians are too self-preoccupied. Most of us think that going to bible studies and Sunday services are enough. But there has got to be more to our faith than this!

It's not just about reading the bible alone, but actually doing what is written in it. It's about taking the time to do something for others. Giving sacrificially even if we don't want to give. It's about getting away from our comfort zones and doing something we wouldn't normally explore.

Believe me, I am so preoccupied with my own concerns. I think about all our problems and I am overwhelmed. But I know the remedy for this, it is thinking about other peoples needs. I believe that if we take time to help other people with their needs, ours wouldn't be as overwhelming.

May the Lord help me, and us look at life through His eyes. May we learn to think about others and not only ourselves. May we do it with a pure heart and pure intentions. Not to seek glory for ourselves but to give all the glory, rightfully, to God.

IN THE SILENCE

It is very silent in my home right now. At times like this I find myself thinking... a lot, about a lot of things.

I would tell my husband that many times, when he's at work, and I'm on my own (Mika's asleep), I would turn the radio on , or the TV just to hear a sound, so I don't feel so alone. There are times when I don't like being alone. It makes me feel so lonely.

I miss my mom, the simplicity of life back in Manila. I don't remember ever feeling this way when I was still there. I don't know, maybe because you can hear your neighbors talking, cars, tricycles, it's pretty busy even till the wee hours of the morning. You can call anyone anytime and talk about anything. Here, it seems, everyone is always guarding their time. You have to schedule everything. There's hardly any room for spontaneity.

I remember having a conversation with my hubby, we were talking about how life here was always about going to work and paying off your bills...seriously though, that's the way it's always been for us since we got here.

I realize though, it doesn't always have to be this way. I realize, that we have to make time for some recreation. Doesn't have to be extravagant, but we, as a family need to make time to rejuvenate.

I'm also sure that the enemy can use such circumstances to manipulate us, to trick us. He can take away our joy, he can rob us of our peace.

The Lord is interested in our day to day life. It is in times like these I realize I need to pray.

"CITIES" OF REFUGE

In the time of Joshua, the Lord determined that there would be a "City of Refuge" for those who "accidentally" kill another person.

We don't have such a place, but something even better. We have the Lord Jesus to comfort us through the darkest times of our lives. Just when we think we can no longer go one, we realize we survived the day, all because he was walking us through. And many times in my own journey, he used specific people to minister to me through some of the hardest times in my life.

Sometimes we think we're the only ones going through tough times, that's because we don't really talk about our struggles with others. I don't know, maybe it's a cultural thing. But how can we help one another lift each others burdens if we don't talk about it? How do we get others to pray for us, give us godly advice and comfort us if we don't open up? I'm not saying that we should announce it to everyone, but I pray that we all find people we can talk to without reservations and walk through life with. It's tough going it alone. The Lord uses other people to help us through.

May we be an instrument of love and also, may we also experience God's love through others.

OUR TESTIMONY

If any of you see how I am at work you wont believe it's me. I am quite quiet and very slow to speak and I don't always get involved in my co-workers conversations. They perceive me as very quiet and introverted... they just don't know how I am with my family and close friends.

I don't remember when it became impressed upon me to be very careful of my words and actions especially in the "outside world". In our church family, I can be very outspoken and opinionated (depending to whom I'm talking to), I can be quite shy, seriously. I know it's because to the people I am comfortable with, I know I am still loved and accepted despite my imperfections. But I realize, the "outside world" isn't as forgiving. When they know you are a Christian and they see you being no different from them, they form their own conclusions and well, it's not a very good testimony.

It was the people whose lives were powerful testimonies to their faith that inspired me to take a closer look at my life.

I am truly a work in progress. There are still many things about me that need fine tuning, but I'm happy that I am not the same day after day. Daily the Lord is changing me. And hopefully I pray, the changes will also serve as an inspiration to the people I associate with and also the people who are watching me from a distance.

ARE WE DOING ENOUGH?

Are we doing enough?

Are we too preoccupied with our own affairs to set aside time to help others, other people who have no way of repaying us?

I think we should find ways of helping other people out, our brothers and sisters but most especially, unbelievers who have yet to experience the love of Christ through us.

I believe the best way to manifest Christ's love to the lost world is through service.

The women's shelter is a good example of service (sadly Atmosphere has praise practice on that evening). I also believe we should come up with a volunteer service to hospitals to offer comfort and prayers, help out in homes for the aged. This is something we can do once a month too, as the Praise Ministry. All others can definitely be involved, but I'm hoping it can be something we can do as a group. This can also serve as a growth opportunity for us- an exercise of selflessness, since it will take away precious rest time but surely will bring us joy indescribable.

If the Christ can wash the disciples feet, we can wash each others feet too.

ENLIGHTEN ME...

I am going through the old testament right now, currently I'm reading Joshua.

I was thinking as I was reading... Rahab lied to the her townsmen about hiding the Israelite spies. It helped Israel, she lied to do it, but it saved her and her family. Seems like she got away with sin... I'm confused.

About Israel acquiring the Promised Land... why did they have to invade occupied land? They massacred thousands of innocent people ( women, children and harmless men). Couldn't they just occupy non-populated land?

I guess I'm ignorant about these things. When I encounter areas of the bible that I can't understand, I just tell myself,God can do anything he wishes, he is God. But sometimes I wonder why he would allow entire races to be annihilated without giving them much of a chance.

Do any of you have any answers to my inquiries? Enlighten me please.

CONSEQUENCES OF SIN

I recall reading Deuteronomy and the fact that Moses and Aaron weren't able to enter the Promised Land because they sinned against the Lord...

"This is because both of you broke faith with me in the presence of the Israelites at the waters of Meribah Kadesh in the Desert of Zin and because you did not uphold my holiness among the Israelites. " (Deut. 32:51).

I thought, wow, when we sin against the Lord, we rob ourselves of blessings. Though we are saved, we still pay for the consequences of our actions, we can still lose the joy of our salvation.

All the more I appreciate the Lord's grace, His forgiveness that's readily available for those who are humble enough to ask for it.

In the past, I found it hard to ask for forgiveness. I felt shame and now I admit pride. When we don't ask for forgiveness right away we don't want to admit we are wrong, we want to live with our sin a little bit longer ( the same goes for our relationship with others).

Now, I ask for forgiveness right away, soon as I realize I sinned against the Lord. I don't want to lose my fellowship with the Lord because I'm still in sin. I want to experience the continuous flow of blessings. I want to reclaim the joy of my salvation, which I lost in the past.

We should never take sin lightly. Let's help each other purify our lives by lovingly and gently rebuking each other when necessary. It's not easy for anyone to listen to other people correct them, but we are called to do so. Without each other we cannot grow.

God bless us all!!

SIMPLE THINGS

In the past, I had to be out of the house everyday. I was bored at home. I didn't like staying home. Now, I have a new appreciation for my home.

I have a greater appreciation for the simple things. I don't need to have something new every week. I don't need to eat out every week. I look at what I have and realize I have more than enough.

Everyday I teach my daughter to be happy with what she has. Whenever she sees a new toy on TV, she asks me if she can have it, then after a few minutes she tells me it's okay if she doesn't buy it. When we set aside her small clothes and her baby toys she tells me, "Mama, are we giving those away to kids who need it?" She doesn't resist it, she's happy were giving it away.

Mika has a kind heart. I see it as her mom. She loves to share. I want to be like her. I'm learning a lot from my little 5-year-old.

Let's share, with a thankful heart. I"m sure all of us have more than enough to live. God is good, he provides for all we need. Let's help provide for the needs of others.

REFINED BY THE FIRE

It's the same thoughts all over again. Unhappy with my work, longing to do something more. Need to make more money. I need a vacation but can't afford it. Oh, my human-ness. I whine and daydream of better days.

I watch a show on TV about poor people in China, people who are sick and can't get medical care. People who are disabled and can't work. People who live under the worst conditions...

I forget about my problems. I remember to be thankful. I remember that the Lord has my life in the palm of his hand. He isn't done with me yet.

Everyday concerns are still real. All the trials still hurt. Waiting is still a pain. But I am not waiting in vain. I am not walking alone, I know it not only in my head but I really feel that reality deep in my heart. That is why I can feel the burn and still be thankful. That is why I can still count my blessings. That is why I am still hopeful.

I wait eagerly for the Lord to work a miracle in our life. I know he is watching me. I know he is building my faith. What is faith without it being tested after all?

TRADING UNCERTAINTY WITH PEACE

Marvs job is in a period of uncertainty right now. We're still waiting for the transfer hoping that he gets the same schedule so we can continue to have the same income and so he can continue serving in ministry and attend the Sunday services. In the back of our minds we're hoping that he will still have a job in the next coming months and hopefully years ahead.

I lost a significant amount of hours at work. Once again we try our very best to be faithful in using the resources God has given us wisely.

Moments arise when I feel panicky inside. Then I pray for the Lord's peace to overcome the fear I feel inside. After all, he did promise to never leave us and to provide all our needs. Then I remember that he is always on time. Never early, never late.

I pray that he gives me patience and joy amidst this troubling time in our life.

Isn't it wonderful to know that we have a God whom we can run to and cling to?

I will always remember the times he came through for us. He always has and he always will.

WHISPERS OF THE ENEMY

I gave in to the whispers of the enemy. I sinned against the Lord. I was so sorrowful. I pleaded for forgiveness soon afterward for I so quickly felt the distance between us. I never want to be apart from my God. I wanted to restore our fellowship.

I hear a voice tell me I was a loser. I was weak, I gave in, I'll always give in and never conquer my sin completely. Another voice tells me, we will fall but the Lord will cleanse us and help us to start all over again. We will be victorious.

I choose to listen to the voice of truth. I stand up knowing I am forgiven. I will start all over again knowing that in the end, I will be the winner.

We are all going to fall every now and then. But when we ask for forgiveness and deep in our heart plead the aid of the Holy Spirit, victory is not just a hope but will be a reality.

Praise the Lord for the God that he is!! He heals the broken heart and sets the captives free!!!

OBEY GOD RATHER THAN MAN

Acts 5:29

Despite the threat to their lives, they chose to obey God. They feared God and not man.

If I am honest with myself, I know deep in my heart I don't have the courage the apostles had. Many times I do not speak because I fear the outcome of my words. But I come home saddened and feeling defeated because I let my fears get the best of me.

Oh Lord what does it take to have the kind of faith that can move mountains?!

I plead Lord, give me the courage, the words, the passion to do your will. Rid me of the lies of the enemy. My human frailties, don't let it get the best of me. For in you, I can do anything.

Amen.

LESSONS FROM A BOOK

Pie lent me a Christian fiction novel. I read it in less than a week. It was one of the most captivating and engaging novels I ever read.

The most important lessons I learned from it was that the Lord could touch and mold even the hardest heart. That every single detail of our life has been set by him. To be sensitive to his promptings and the opportunities he gives us to grow. His word is our anchor in times of trouble. And he is more than capable of working miracles on our behalf if necessary to save another soul.

It was an amazing read. But more than that it had extraordinary lessons.

The name of the book is As Sure as the Dawn by Francine Rivers.

PEACE AMIDST THE STORM

I lost the hours I had in the other store. That's how fickle retail is. It's really never stable. I always wondered how people survived working there for long periods of time.

What do I do about the income I need now?

Maybe the Lord is allowing me to rest. He knows how tired I've been. I was willing to work though, we need it really badly.

Once again, I wait and see what he wants to do. He gives and he also takes away.

But he loves us, we are in the palm of his hand.

And so I wait and I pray. Assured that all will be well.

MY FEARS

I came to a realization that I was not placed in the new location for no reason. It became obvious to me that I was placed there to be a witness of Christ to the people I work with. It may be through hard work that stems from reverence and the knowledge that I ought to work as though to the Lord, but also to speak words of wisdom and encouragement and eventually tell them about the gospel of our Lord.

Evangelizing is most of the time scary to me because I fear rejection and ridicule. But I pray daily that the Lord grant me the courage and the opportunities to have moments of "intimacy" with the people I work with to witness to them.

Some time ago my boss was eating in our break table and called me. She said she had to tell me that there has been some kind of "cleansing" going on in the store since I came. She didnt know if it was because of my music (which everyone who goes to the backroom has no choice but to hear), but she told me, it has never been this "good" here until I came. She continued to tell me that I was an asset to them and she had to let me know that.

I have yet to actually share the gospel. But I do believe that the door has been opened.

Pls pray for me, that the Lord will give me the boldness to tell them the truth asbout their salvation for it has been impressed upon my heart so strongly.

May the Lord be glorified!
Exodus 4:11-12

MY REWARD

2 COR. 5:10

I remember listening to one of Charles Stanleys teachings on how you can evaluate yourself whether you are a true believer or not. I found it to be so convicting after looking at myself through the lenses of God's word. I dont remember exactly where it is in the scripture but it says it is through the "fruits" a person bears that he will (and others too) will know if one is truly a follower of Christ.

After a long and painful look at my own life. I realized that there were areas of my life that have not been fully yielded to Christ. I also wondered if my lifestyle was just like the unbelievers of if it was different, distinct and unmistakably touched and molded by the power of the Holy Spirit.

I pleaded to the Lord to help me live "authentically". Ill probably never be soft-spoken and mild in disposition but I can be watchful of HOW I say things. I may need to find more ways to show love and encouragement to my brothers and sisters. Give more to the cause of Christ. Be the best employee. Strengthen my prayer life. Humble myself. Submit my dreams and ambitions to the will of God for me. The goal of my life is to be pleasing to God. The Lord knows how hard it is for me to give up a lot of things I WANT, but if it will make him proud of me... so be it.

AN EAGER ANTICIPATION

Many times I wondered why my life turned out the way it did. It seemed contrary to everything Ive planned. I go to work and come home tired every single day (for I do manual labor) and find myself thinking of how I could get away from it, to get another job.

For some reason I stop myself because I feel a sense that I should stay awhile. Still dont know why, but I do not want to do anything in haste.

I realize Im in a period of waiting... It is at times disconcerting and uncomfortable because Im the type to move right away, I want to do something asap!

The Lord is probably teaching me to be still and wait upon him. Its hard but I want his best for me and my family.

It is during this time of waiting that I come face to face with my weaknesses and limitations. God is humbling me through my circumstances.

But I also wait anxiously to see what his perfect will is for me... with eager anticipation.

UNKNOWN BURDENS

Have you ever felt a burden in your heart and not know what it is about? I feel that daily. I know for sure it's not about my concerns. I just can't put a name on it.

I wonder...

It's good to know that with the Lord in control of my life, everything is accounted for, even mysterious things.

SEEKING THE DIRECTION OF GOD

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your path straight.

proverbs 3:5-6

Everyday is a constant battle to not give in to the promptings of the flesh. You feel defeated but there is a still voice in the depths of your soul whispering to you that it is not over yet. You have a purpose and there is more to life than the here and now. You struggle to believe it because every part of your being is yearning for more yet not finding relief...at least for the moment.

You fake a smile many mornings, convincing yourself that everything is alright. Then you start to question if its alright to feel this way when you are a child of God! Is it okay to feel burdened and discontent?

Then you hear that voice again, telling you that it's alright to want more, to seek for something better. For we were created to achieve all we can for the glory of God. It is a greater sin to waste away and not live to the fullest potential God has given you. Ask God for direction, beg for his clarity. Plead him to make it known to you what it is he wants you to do for him. When you find yourself in that place, where he wanted you all along, doing what he wanted, created you to do, only then will you find the peace, the joy and the fulfillment he wanted you to experience all along.

May we all seek his will and really find that place where he wants us to be. Our life, our time is too precious to be wasted on things that will not make a difference for his kingdom.

I seek that place where he wants me to be. I wait , I plead for direction and the assurance that I am moving towards the goal. It isnt easy but at least I am not alone...even when it feels that way sometimes.

May the Lord be glorified!!!

SUCCESS

The other day out of curiosity I started to look for my friends through the net. Wanted to know how they were doing, what was new with them, all that.

I saw one, who apparently is now doing so well. She has her own jewelry line and is gracing the pages of fashion magazines back home. She even has an exhibit in San Francisco, and just married what looks to be a well-to-do (older) man.

I thought, wow, is this the same girl I went to grade school, HS and college with? She was the one I always competed with. OUr grades were always head to head and we were both ambitious and driven.

Then I looked at where I was now, my job, I still had no college degree ( she must have finished her masters, I would have if I hadn't gotten married), we were struggling financially and I suddenly felt so sorry for myself.

Then I realized, I had something she didn't have ( I know cuz if you saw the pics you'd understand). I had Christ in my life.

My life is by no means glamorous, I haven't achieved success by the worlds standards. But I lead a peaceful, honest life. A life guarded by Jesus, directed by Jesus.

I realized how blessed I was. How rich I was. And I reprimanded myself for forgetting that what was important was my allegiance to the Lord.

I'll pray for her. I will contact her and try to tell her about the changes in my life.

The way the Lord matures us, sometimes, is by showing us what we wanted and weighing it against the enormous blessing we now have through His son.

To God be all the glory!!!