I haven't blogged for a long time. I've been going through an emotional roller coaster for the past couple of weeks and to be quite honest, I'm not ready to share it to a lot of people.
For as long as I can remember, ever since I arrived to the US, I've been going through a lot of turmoil inside. A lot that has to do with losing myself.
What do I mean about that? Well, back then, I knew where I was going and I knew how to get there, but now, I seriously don't know what I want to achieve in life. It's been all about my family, my child and what's good for all of us, I kinda lost myself in there. I know it sounds like I'm thinking too much about myself, but only the people who really know me know how much of myself I've given away.
I am not really the confident, self-assured person I appear to be. If truth be told, I am one of the most insecure people you'll ever know. The thing with me is, I don't like people seeing the weaknesses in me, pointing it out all the time. I already know all too well what I don't have and what I need to do about it. The last thing I want is for people to pity me or even look down on me. I am my worse critic, no one can criticize me more than I criticize myself.
Only the Lord knows my thoughts, my internal struggles, the chaos inside of me. I pray daily that he grants me peace amidst this troubling stage in my life. I pray that he shows me the direction he wants me to travel.
Parenting has been hard for me, especially now that my child is older. Many times I feel inadequate as a mother because I feel that I am trying to "grow-up" myself. I forced myself to mature earlier because of the choices I made in my life. I had to own the choices and make it work for the sake of my child and my marriage. There is a child in me that wants to relax and enjoy life without many cares, which unfortunately is not my reality.
From my experience and I believe all of us, if we're really honest with ourselves, we don't have a handle on everything that goes on with our life. We still wait daily, pray daily asking the Lord to make it clear to us what he wants us to do. Some have found it. Surely there are more of us still waiting, longing to find that place where we belong.
I ask the Lord all the time to help me find the peace and the fulfillment I long for.
Don't get me wrong. I am not hopeless. I am just in that place where I am my weakest. I am honestly weak and useless without the Lord making his plans for me my reality. I know he's doing something now, but I am also well aware that he is showing me how dependent I am on him. I have never been more humbled and more helpless in my entire life than now. I know that's the place he wants me to be in. Only then will he be able to manifest his power and glory.
It's just very painful being in the middle of it. A real pain to be in the process of being changed...radically.
One thing is for sure, after this is all over, I will never be the same again.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Monday, November 12, 2007
SACRIFICIAL LOVE
I was a young mother, I was 20 when I married, had Mika at 21.
The circumstances under which I got married was quite complicated. But one thing is for sure, I was not ready when I took on the commitment I made.
It has been a struggle from the first day I came to America. My husband was a 23-yr-old new college graduate who was also overwhelmed with the responsibility of becoming a husband and father. We were young, scared and intimidated.
Having Mika has been the greatest joy of my life. Truly, I got married so I could have a child ( I had serious reproductive issues). It was possible for me not to get pregnant, so we believe she was a miracle child.
At the same time though, being young when I took on the responsibilities, I felt and still feel like I missed out on a lot of things.
I gave up a lot of possibilities, I gave up my youth so I could love and nurture a child.
There are times when I feel like I am not being a good mom. Sometimes, I get irritable when I'm tired and I can't rest. I get mad when I don't have private time. I become unhappy when I have to forgo and let go of many things for the sake of my child. I feel deeply insecure when I see the ravages of motherhood on my body.
But any good, loving mother would give up even their life for their children.
I am not an extremely maternal, martyr kind of mom who smothers her child. I see myself more as a disciplinarian, no-nonsense mom, but I shower her with so much affection and praise. I ensure that all her needs are met but I am not a spoiler. I guess that's due to being raised by a single mom.
I sacrificed everything, all the dreams and hopes of my youth to have and to love my child. I believe it's all worth it.
One thing is for sure, my sacrifices will never compare to the sacrifice of the Lord for me. When I think of his love it puts everything into perspective. And it reminds me draw my strength from him.
The circumstances under which I got married was quite complicated. But one thing is for sure, I was not ready when I took on the commitment I made.
It has been a struggle from the first day I came to America. My husband was a 23-yr-old new college graduate who was also overwhelmed with the responsibility of becoming a husband and father. We were young, scared and intimidated.
Having Mika has been the greatest joy of my life. Truly, I got married so I could have a child ( I had serious reproductive issues). It was possible for me not to get pregnant, so we believe she was a miracle child.
At the same time though, being young when I took on the responsibilities, I felt and still feel like I missed out on a lot of things.
I gave up a lot of possibilities, I gave up my youth so I could love and nurture a child.
There are times when I feel like I am not being a good mom. Sometimes, I get irritable when I'm tired and I can't rest. I get mad when I don't have private time. I become unhappy when I have to forgo and let go of many things for the sake of my child. I feel deeply insecure when I see the ravages of motherhood on my body.
But any good, loving mother would give up even their life for their children.
I am not an extremely maternal, martyr kind of mom who smothers her child. I see myself more as a disciplinarian, no-nonsense mom, but I shower her with so much affection and praise. I ensure that all her needs are met but I am not a spoiler. I guess that's due to being raised by a single mom.
I sacrificed everything, all the dreams and hopes of my youth to have and to love my child. I believe it's all worth it.
One thing is for sure, my sacrifices will never compare to the sacrifice of the Lord for me. When I think of his love it puts everything into perspective. And it reminds me draw my strength from him.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
ALL THE STRENGTH WE NEED
Isaiah 40:28-31
"Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord will
renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles,
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."
All the comfort we need.
"Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord will
renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles,
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."
All the comfort we need.
Friday, November 9, 2007
THROUGH HIS EYES
I watched "The Hiding Place" on the Billy Graham website. It's a story about the personal sacrifices a family made in order to hide Jews from the Nazis during the holocaust.
It's the story about the Ten Booms from the eyes of one of the daughters, Corrie.
It is a long story, but to me it was all about sacrificial love, love for people you don't have to love. What do I mean about that? They loved people who were not related to them in any way. To whom they did not owe anything. To whom they were not obligated to love. But they loved to the point of being sent to horrid camps and dying of contracted diseases. As for Corrie, to the point of losing all the people she loved. All of this of course, motivated by love for Christ. It's impossible to love with such depth without Christ.
Not all of us are called to go through such extremes. But I sense that especially here in North America, Christians are too self-preoccupied. Most of us think that going to bible studies and Sunday services are enough. But there has got to be more to our faith than this!
It's not just about reading the bible alone, but actually doing what is written in it. It's about taking the time to do something for others. Giving sacrificially even if we don't want to give. It's about getting away from our comfort zones and doing something we wouldn't normally explore.
Believe me, I am so preoccupied with my own concerns. I think about all our problems and I am overwhelmed. But I know the remedy for this, it is thinking about other peoples needs. I believe that if we take time to help other people with their needs, ours wouldn't be as overwhelming.
May the Lord help me, and us look at life through His eyes. May we learn to think about others and not only ourselves. May we do it with a pure heart and pure intentions. Not to seek glory for ourselves but to give all the glory, rightfully, to God.
It's the story about the Ten Booms from the eyes of one of the daughters, Corrie.
It is a long story, but to me it was all about sacrificial love, love for people you don't have to love. What do I mean about that? They loved people who were not related to them in any way. To whom they did not owe anything. To whom they were not obligated to love. But they loved to the point of being sent to horrid camps and dying of contracted diseases. As for Corrie, to the point of losing all the people she loved. All of this of course, motivated by love for Christ. It's impossible to love with such depth without Christ.
Not all of us are called to go through such extremes. But I sense that especially here in North America, Christians are too self-preoccupied. Most of us think that going to bible studies and Sunday services are enough. But there has got to be more to our faith than this!
It's not just about reading the bible alone, but actually doing what is written in it. It's about taking the time to do something for others. Giving sacrificially even if we don't want to give. It's about getting away from our comfort zones and doing something we wouldn't normally explore.
Believe me, I am so preoccupied with my own concerns. I think about all our problems and I am overwhelmed. But I know the remedy for this, it is thinking about other peoples needs. I believe that if we take time to help other people with their needs, ours wouldn't be as overwhelming.
May the Lord help me, and us look at life through His eyes. May we learn to think about others and not only ourselves. May we do it with a pure heart and pure intentions. Not to seek glory for ourselves but to give all the glory, rightfully, to God.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
IN THE SILENCE
It is very silent in my home right now. At times like this I find myself thinking... a lot, about a lot of things.
I would tell my husband that many times, when he's at work, and I'm on my own (Mika's asleep), I would turn the radio on , or the TV just to hear a sound, so I don't feel so alone. There are times when I don't like being alone. It makes me feel so lonely.
I miss my mom, the simplicity of life back in Manila. I don't remember ever feeling this way when I was still there. I don't know, maybe because you can hear your neighbors talking, cars, tricycles, it's pretty busy even till the wee hours of the morning. You can call anyone anytime and talk about anything. Here, it seems, everyone is always guarding their time. You have to schedule everything. There's hardly any room for spontaneity.
I remember having a conversation with my hubby, we were talking about how life here was always about going to work and paying off your bills...seriously though, that's the way it's always been for us since we got here.
I realize though, it doesn't always have to be this way. I realize, that we have to make time for some recreation. Doesn't have to be extravagant, but we, as a family need to make time to rejuvenate.
I'm also sure that the enemy can use such circumstances to manipulate us, to trick us. He can take away our joy, he can rob us of our peace.
The Lord is interested in our day to day life. It is in times like these I realize I need to pray.
I would tell my husband that many times, when he's at work, and I'm on my own (Mika's asleep), I would turn the radio on , or the TV just to hear a sound, so I don't feel so alone. There are times when I don't like being alone. It makes me feel so lonely.
I miss my mom, the simplicity of life back in Manila. I don't remember ever feeling this way when I was still there. I don't know, maybe because you can hear your neighbors talking, cars, tricycles, it's pretty busy even till the wee hours of the morning. You can call anyone anytime and talk about anything. Here, it seems, everyone is always guarding their time. You have to schedule everything. There's hardly any room for spontaneity.
I remember having a conversation with my hubby, we were talking about how life here was always about going to work and paying off your bills...seriously though, that's the way it's always been for us since we got here.
I realize though, it doesn't always have to be this way. I realize, that we have to make time for some recreation. Doesn't have to be extravagant, but we, as a family need to make time to rejuvenate.
I'm also sure that the enemy can use such circumstances to manipulate us, to trick us. He can take away our joy, he can rob us of our peace.
The Lord is interested in our day to day life. It is in times like these I realize I need to pray.
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
"CITIES" OF REFUGE
In the time of Joshua, the Lord determined that there would be a "City of Refuge" for those who "accidentally" kill another person.
We don't have such a place, but something even better. We have the Lord Jesus to comfort us through the darkest times of our lives. Just when we think we can no longer go one, we realize we survived the day, all because he was walking us through. And many times in my own journey, he used specific people to minister to me through some of the hardest times in my life.
Sometimes we think we're the only ones going through tough times, that's because we don't really talk about our struggles with others. I don't know, maybe it's a cultural thing. But how can we help one another lift each others burdens if we don't talk about it? How do we get others to pray for us, give us godly advice and comfort us if we don't open up? I'm not saying that we should announce it to everyone, but I pray that we all find people we can talk to without reservations and walk through life with. It's tough going it alone. The Lord uses other people to help us through.
May we be an instrument of love and also, may we also experience God's love through others.
We don't have such a place, but something even better. We have the Lord Jesus to comfort us through the darkest times of our lives. Just when we think we can no longer go one, we realize we survived the day, all because he was walking us through. And many times in my own journey, he used specific people to minister to me through some of the hardest times in my life.
Sometimes we think we're the only ones going through tough times, that's because we don't really talk about our struggles with others. I don't know, maybe it's a cultural thing. But how can we help one another lift each others burdens if we don't talk about it? How do we get others to pray for us, give us godly advice and comfort us if we don't open up? I'm not saying that we should announce it to everyone, but I pray that we all find people we can talk to without reservations and walk through life with. It's tough going it alone. The Lord uses other people to help us through.
May we be an instrument of love and also, may we also experience God's love through others.
Monday, November 5, 2007
OUR TESTIMONY
If any of you see how I am at work you wont believe it's me. I am quite quiet and very slow to speak and I don't always get involved in my co-workers conversations. They perceive me as very quiet and introverted... they just don't know how I am with my family and close friends.
I don't remember when it became impressed upon me to be very careful of my words and actions especially in the "outside world". In our church family, I can be very outspoken and opinionated (depending to whom I'm talking to), I can be quite shy, seriously. I know it's because to the people I am comfortable with, I know I am still loved and accepted despite my imperfections. But I realize, the "outside world" isn't as forgiving. When they know you are a Christian and they see you being no different from them, they form their own conclusions and well, it's not a very good testimony.
It was the people whose lives were powerful testimonies to their faith that inspired me to take a closer look at my life.
I am truly a work in progress. There are still many things about me that need fine tuning, but I'm happy that I am not the same day after day. Daily the Lord is changing me. And hopefully I pray, the changes will also serve as an inspiration to the people I associate with and also the people who are watching me from a distance.
I don't remember when it became impressed upon me to be very careful of my words and actions especially in the "outside world". In our church family, I can be very outspoken and opinionated (depending to whom I'm talking to), I can be quite shy, seriously. I know it's because to the people I am comfortable with, I know I am still loved and accepted despite my imperfections. But I realize, the "outside world" isn't as forgiving. When they know you are a Christian and they see you being no different from them, they form their own conclusions and well, it's not a very good testimony.
It was the people whose lives were powerful testimonies to their faith that inspired me to take a closer look at my life.
I am truly a work in progress. There are still many things about me that need fine tuning, but I'm happy that I am not the same day after day. Daily the Lord is changing me. And hopefully I pray, the changes will also serve as an inspiration to the people I associate with and also the people who are watching me from a distance.
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